One Song Glory: part three
24 May 2000
Van Donovan
trowa@trowa.com
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Initially inspired by listening to the song "One Song Glory" by Roger from the musical RENT
this story took a tragic turn when my real life cousin drowned today [May 24th, '00] while 
his mother is/was dying of cancer.  I'm in an incredibly depressed mood and I suddenly have 
so much more for this story.  Please, learn something from it.

--------

	"How?"  Youji breathed, but instantly regretted so bluntly asking the question.  He
didn't view Aya as an overly sexual being, so whoever it had been was probably very close to
him, and most likely already dead.  But, the word was out.  He wouldn't hold it against Aya 
if the other simply didn't reply, though.  Could Aya really be HIV positive too?  It just 
wasn't adding up for him.  Aya never let on about the condition.  It never seemed to affect
him.  But . . . he HAD wanted to go with him from the first testing, like he'd known what
the letter in the beginning meant.  And everything Youji had asked and said seemed to fall
into place.  He instantly regretted mocking Aya earlier with the 'You probably don't even 
know what sex is.  Just wait and see how you feel if you get HIV.' statement.  He'd just 
thought Aya's scowl was because he'd put him down.  If only he'd known!
	"It was before Weiß,"  Aya said, his voice soft and deep in the thickness of the 
room.  Youji looked up at him, silencing the thoughts running around in his head.  Aya was
really going to tell him?  He held his breath.  
	Aya bowed his head, having never talked about this aloud to anyone.  Somehow, he
didn't think it'd be as glorified as Youji wanted it to be.  "I was working with a group 
called Crashers before Birman took me into Weißes fold."  This was all entirely new informa-
tion for Youji.  "We were effective, but we were reckless too.  My partner was a guy around
my age, at the time, who we called Knight.  He didn't know it then, but he was an HIV 
carrier."  Youji's eyes widened.  Aya had gotten HIV from another man?  Why was Aya telling
him this?  He didn't want to know this.
	"We would get hurt, and we'd bandage one another up.  We'd get sick, we'd care for
one another."  Youji didn't want to know the direction this was going.  "We were crude and
we thought we were invincible.  We were wrong.  There was a drug we used to use before we
fought that would enhance our senses when our heart rate went up as adrenaline kicked in.
Knight was our main supplier.  Where he got it from, I don't know.  But, we didn't think 
about HIV or diseases or anything back then.  It was enough to make it from day to day 
alive without worrying about those things.
	"We shared needles,"  he said, softly, looking down.  Youji felt his breath get
knocked out of him.  So -that- was how.  "We didn't know at first.  How could we?  It was 
just by chance that I went to the hospital and when I'd left, I got a letter in the mail,
just like yours, asking me to come back in for testing.  It was years ago though.  I've been
able to simply block it from my mind and live regardless."
	Youji had never heard so many words come from Aya's mouth at one time.  They hadn't
just been 'words' either.  It had been Aya's life.  A deep dark secret he'd carried with him
for years.  How could the other be so strong?  "I couldn't keep it to myself for so long.
I think . . . if I'd been alone, I'd have just lost it."
	Aya shook his head.  "I had too much to live for then.  Getting revenge for Aya was
the most important thing for me.  I didn't have time to die because of an immune deficiency
in me.  Just how I can't die on our missions."
	"That's amazing, Aya,"  he softly breathed.  Unspoken, a bond had sprung up between
the two of them.  A bond of friendship, and of kinship.  Youji had always thought Aya was
just a hard-ass for his own pleasure, but it was obvious the other had to shut himself off
from the world, and his emotions, to even just make it through life.
	Unbidden, the thought of Aya's sister being out of the hospital and living happily
again came into his mind.  The redhead refused to see her.  It was like he was ashamed, and
of course he was.  But, what was keeping him going, now that the one thing he'd sought
revenge for was finally avenged?  "Now what?"  Youji softly asked.
	Aya looked up at him, his eyes questioning.  "I mean, now that your sister is okay.
Will you just go on being an assassin?  The drive you had to live for is gone now,"  he said
trying to clarify things.  Aya nodded a little, as if understanding.
	"Find something else to live for now, I suppose."  Aya met Youji's eyes.  The blonde
looked away.  He felt closer to Aya now than he'd felt to anyone since . . . since Asuka.
The other had this secret part of his life, and he could understand it because he also had 
the same ailment.  They were instantly drawn close by a common factor, but, how close? 
	"Perhaps you should go,"  Youji softly said.  After all, it was getting late.
	"I want to stay,"  the redhead replied.
	Youji opened his mouth to protest, feeling an awkwardness rise up in him, but then
he realized just how much Aya himself was hurting.  Undoubtedly, no one had ever let him cry
on their shoulder.  No one had been with him when he was diagnosed.  He'd carried his burden
not only silently, but utterly alone.   Now that he'd trusted his secret to another person,
himself, it only seemed fitting that he should feel the same comfort he'd given.
	"Then stay."  Youji crooned and crawled over his bed to embrace Aya from behind.
"You're not alone anymore."  Aya stiffened a moment, but then relaxed and exhaled a soft
ragged breath.  It'd been so long since someone had offered him support and compassion.
	"Youji."

-----

	After that night, the two were practically unseparable.  Youji flourished under
Aya's stony visage, trying to warm the other up some.  Aya actually was finding himself with
a little more purpose in life.  His step had a spring to it, and every time he saw Youji, 
the other would have some perfect little joke to share, or thing to make the other smile.  
Ken and Omi noticed it too, and both were grateful for it, although thoroughly perplexed.  
No one had expected such a close friendship to spring up between the two.
	Which wasn't to say Youji was great.  When dusk came and the blonde was still at 
home with no dates to go see and no places to go hang, he'd get depressed.  Sex was a part
of Youji as much as breathing and eating was.  He'd pace restlessly in the kitchen, or flip
channels on the TV until he passed out.	
	Missions became a welcomed relief from the monotony of daily life, but they came few
and far between.  "Mou, Youji, you've been here since five."  It was Ken, walking into the
den where Youji sat, flipping channels, yawning.  It was almost nine now.  "Why don't you go 
to bed, or go out and do something?"
	"Aa."  Youji just stood up, turning the TV off and went to the kitchen, looking out
the window into the cold night.  Ken followed him and shook his head.
	"Aw, c'mon, we can go somewhere together.  You always used to want to drag me off to
go clubbing with you.  Let's do that, eh?"  Ken smiled at the older mans back.  Youji took
a breath and looked back over his shoulder at Ken.
	"I don't want to go out."
	"You never do.  You can't just stay here and waste away."
	"Leave me alone, Ken."
	"Dammit Youji, I'm trying to help you!"
	"Well you're not!" he shouted, eyes narrowed as he spun around.
	Ken's eyes widened and he looked at Youji, trying to mask his hurt expression.  He
finally said.  "Sorry."  
	Aya entered the kitchen, having heard the shouting.  Ken looked to the redhead and
then back to Youji.  "Maybe you can get him to do more than just sit around all day." he
stated, addressing Aya, and then left.
	Youji turned his back to Aya and looked out the window again.
	"What happened?"
	Youji didn't reply.
	"You said yourself you didn't want them to be delicate around you.  They're trying 
to help you, but you keep turning them away."  Aya pressed, talking into Youji's back.  The
other just bowed his head.
	"They don't understand.  How can they know how it makes me feel?" he finally said.
	Aya walked up behind him, lifting his hands to rest on Youji's shoulders, working
his fingers in his clumsy massage style.  "I know how you feel,"  he said, quietly.  "But it
doesn't keep me down.  You should be living your life to the fullest."
	"Before the virus takes hold."  Youji murmured, lifting his head and sighing as Aya
worked out the tension knots in his neck and shoulders.  "What have I got to live for? Weiß?
These cheap missions?"  He paused, swallowing back the urge to cry.  "I'll just die, and I 
won't have made any difference to this world.  I won't have anything left to leave behind.  
I'll die . . . and there will be nothing of me left to say 'This was Youji'.  I'll just be 
gone.  How can you accept that?"
	"I don't see that I haven't made an impact.  I've saved lives on our missions. 
True, I've taken them too.  I guess I just don't think about it.  I try to live day-to-day
and not think about the future,"  he answered, his thumbs finding a knot in Youji's right 
shoulder above his scapula and working on it.
	"Aa, but . . . it's the living from day-to-day that's killing me."  He breathed, his
hands holding the counter as Aya worked on his most tense spot.  "I need something to live
for.  I'm . . . directionless."  His eyes fluttered closed.
	"What did you live for before?"  
	"Eh?"  He inquired and opened his eyes half-way, looking at his transparent reflec-
tion in the window.  "Love, I guess.  Love of women.  My freedom.  Revenge, too, I guess,
for Asuka.  But," he took a deep breath,  "that doesn't matter . . . anymore."  His voice
trembled slightly.
	Aya's hands slipped from his shoulders to wrap around Youji's neck from behind.  He 
stepped closer and rested his forehead against Youji's back.  "Find love, again, then," he
softly said.  Youji felt himself stiffen a little, but knew Aya was just trying to give him
a direction to go.  What did Aya know about love?  Nothing.
	"I'd rather not go public with my condition, thankyouverymuch,"  he said, sighing.
He raised his hand and put it on one of Aya's hands around his neck.  The other was a lot 
more fragile than he appeared to be to the others.  Aya got into depressed moods too, and 
he could feel the redhead delving into one now.
	"Don't go public, then," the other softly said.  Youji shook his head a little.
	"I can't do that to them."  Youji breathed.
	Aya hadn't finished and his voice was a soft whisper.  "Try those who already know." 
	Youji stiffened and felt Aya's arms around his neck tighten. 
	"Aya,"  he breathed, eyes opened wide now.  Omi, Ken and Aya were the only ones who
knew about him, and the way Aya was holding him, now . . . His mouth went dry.  "You can't
mean . . .,"  he felt the hand he wasn't touching around his neck shift and rest over top 
his hand that was over Aya's other.
	"Why not?"  the red head softly questioned.

	Why not indeed?


--end part three--